Odd Humor: Substitutes for Mouthwash

I don't recommend trying this as a general rule,  but you might actually be in a position to need it one day:
Solid deoderant stick...slightly soapy taste, not altogether objectionable, but leaves slick oil coating on teeth & tongue.
Spray perfume...tart & sour, unpleasant start with aromatic floral finish.
gel hand sanitizer... stings the palate & leaves bitter aftertaste. Not recommended.
Cannot vouch for effectiveness as mouthwash but all 3 get rid of coffee taste by replacing it with something worse. 
All 3 give you the illusion of having a less offensive scent to greet the public.
Word for the day: "Abman": a male with particularly offensive malodorous breath.
Topic for manana: Hilarious science questions from 7th graders.